Staying Resilient – The Art of Acceptance and Letting Go

Mental resilience describes our ability to adapt and function in the face of adversity, stress and trauma. Resilient people are better able to cope with adverse events and changing circumstances, and resilient workers are less prone to sickness absence, presenteeism and staff turnover.

Research commonly estimates that 50% of our resilience is down to genetics and 10% down to environment. That leaves 40% that is within our control. This gives us significant scope to enjoy the benefits of increased resilience.

There are a number of factors that we know are important to increasing psychological resilience; for example, positive thinking, active coping strategies and mental flexibility. In this blog I am reflecting on the theory I have learnt as a work psychologist and my own experience as someone managing a chronic health condition, to identify the key components to staying psychologically resilient and managing stress. Things that we can all benefit from, and things that not only make us more resilient but can make our working lives more productive.

So, today it is the art of acceptance and letting go. Acceptance isn’t a weakness. It isn’t about denial, avoidance, apathy or passivity. It is part of an active coping style that enables you to positively choose where you place your energy and your focus.

On of the mantras of WorkGuru is that we can not always control or change a situation that we are in but we can change the way that we think about it and respond to it.

Our evidence-based resilience-building programme contains a number of exercises aimed at showing you how.

Control, Influence, Accept Model of Stress Reduction
The first is our module on the Control, Influence, and Acceptance (CIA) model of stress reduction. This really simple, but effective approach invites us to recognise which categories our problems or difficulties fall under; which difficulties we can control, which we can influence, and which would benefit from us learning to accept and letting go.

The only thing that we can truly control is our decisions and ourselves. There are many situations and people that we don’t have direct control over but we can influence them. And then there are the things that we cannot control and we cannot influence – but we can begin to accept them and stop wasting our time worrying and complaining about them. These are the things that we need to learn how to let go of. If we can’t change it, if we can’t control it, if we can’t influence it then by continually thinking and worrying about it we squander our energy and our other resources instead of focusing them where they would achieve most benefit.

Mindfulness Meditation
The second exercise on acceptance and letting go is our module on Mindfulness meditation. It is estimated that the average person has 70,000 thoughts flick through their mind each day. Try it for yourself. Sit somewhere comfortable for just 3 minutes, close your eyes and focus on your breath, as your mind begins to drift, make a mental note of where it has gone and then gently but firmly focus your attention back onto your breath. Our mind is a wilful beast; it flits from one thought to another. Mindfulness teaches us to see our thoughts for what they are – just thoughts: not reality, not something we have to act on, not something that defines us – just thoughts. It helps us to learn how to let those thoughts go, a bit like letting go of a balloon, or busting a soap bubble. Mindfulness helps us to learn how to observe our thoughts as they flit into our minds one after the other, to see them for what they are – just thoughts, and to let them go.

Thinking Styles
The third relevant WorkGuru module is on thinking styles. Results published from the UK’s biggest ever online stress survey shows that thinking styles (specifically rumination and self-blame) are powerful determinants in predicting the level of anxiety or depression a person might experience.

We all develop habitual thinking styles. These are ways of thinking that have become automatic and are often not very helpful. For example we may have a tendency to generalise (“This always happens”. “You always do that”), to jump to conclusions or mind read (“Well I know exactly what is going to happen now”. “What you really mean is that you don’t like what I am doing”), or catastrophise (“Well this is appalling, how could it possibly get any worse”. “This is the end of my career; I will never recover from this”). By recognising our thinking styles we can spot our less than helpful thoughts for what they are, and let them go, replacing them with more realistic, helpful thoughts.

Obviously, being the founder of WorkGuru, I have absorbed and enacted all the excellent advice that we provide – and you would never catch me obsessing and worrying over inconsequential things that I have no control or influence over. If only life was that simple. I did get caught recently whilst I was walking my dog and sobbing for 30 minutes as my mind ruminated over and became obsessed with a thought that hadn’t happened and wasn’t based on reality. After the full 30 minutes I managed to pull myself away from the obsessive thought, see it for what it was – just a thought not reality, and let it go moving on to focus on enjoying the walk and being in the moment.

Acceptance and letting go are coping strategies that we could all benefit from to help us build our psychological resilience and better manage our stress. In the wise words of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

This blog was first published on the Symposium-events website in November 2013

Staying Resilient and Keeping Well: A personal reflection.

If you were to ask me what one thing is essential to building mental resilience I would say self-awareness. There are lots of components to resilience – positive emotions, cognitive flexibility, life-meaning, social support, active coping styles (all of which I am sure we will look at in more detail in future blogs) – but underpinning it all is self-awareness. Knowing yourself, your energy patterns, the way you think, the things that drain you, the things that energise you, the things that sustain you, what your values are. Being your greatest supporter and your greatest friend.

I am a work psychologist and executive coach and I have been working in the work and wellbeing field for over 15 years. But it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with a chronic health condition that put me at a high risk of heart attack and stroke and led to me experiencing bouts of fatigue that I really began to understand the concepts of stress and resilience. If I wanted to move into a healthy old age then becoming more resilient was an imperative not an option; and I think that is true for everyone. Being resilient isn’t about ‘doing less work’ it is about maintaining a life style that you love alongside keeping yourself mentally well. The same as for our physical resilience, most of us have an awareness of what we eat and drink and our exercise levels because we know the benefits of good physical health. Being physically resilient doesn’t mean doing less it means doing the things that we know will help us to keep well.

One of the things I never knew until I experienced fatigue was that it has both a physical and an emotional component. Fatigue drains both my physical and my mental resources. It leaves me feeling exhausted and emotionally vulnerable. When I am fatigued I find it harder to manage conflict and complexity. I have to be very careful about what I focus my mental energy on – because it is finite.

There has been lots of learning for me. I love my job, I love working hard, working long hours and travelling the country. I didn’t want my health problems to stop me from doing something I loved. And it hasn’t – it just means that I have had to develop my self-awareness to help me take better care of myself. So here are some of the things that I have learnt:

Plan your week as a whole
This has been a big one for me. There are some things that I find more draining then others: physically long days outside of the office, networking, intense meetings, hospital visits. I don’t know what my energy levels are going to look like in a few weeks or months ahead. So I try and plan my diary so that each week I have at least 2 mornings working from home. I know that not everybody has this option – but this is about what works for me.

I like to work long hours – I run my own business so long hours are part of the job description – this isn’t about not working those hours it is about having a variety of activity during the week – because if I don’t pace myself my fatigue can take a hold.

Use your weekends
There is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t do some work (see the bit about running my own business) and for me that is fine. But one of the things that I have had to learn is that I can’t work a full working day 7 days a week. I need to spend my weekends with family and friends, taking the time to do the household chores and re-charging my batteries for the week ahead. This has been one of the hardest lessons for me, in order to increase my effectiveness I have to spend some time away from work. Time-out increases my energy, helps keep my thinking creative and agile, and gives me the time to do the pesky chores, which once out of the way will help me to keep focused during the week.

Align your head and your heart
Ok, this may sound like a bit of a poncy one, but I am a firm believer that if your work and your life reflect your core values then it is going to be more joyful and less draining. We all have values – they are the things that give our life meaning, a map that guides us through the world. Some of those values are more important to us than others (at WorkGuru we have 2 exercises to help you identify and priorities your values); these are the ones that we wouldn’t wish to compromise on. Sometimes in life we lose sight of what those values are.

My values are about creativity, honesty, respect, openness being genuine and really believing in what I am doing. When I work in a way that doesn’t reflect these values then I lose my energy and motivation, I become frustrated and risk feeling burnt out.

Listen to your body
It was whilst lecturing to postgraduate University students on workplace stress that I suddenly had the revelation that my head and my body didn’t always agree with each other. My head can tell me “I love all the challenges we are facing at the moment, I am feeling stimulated and energised, it is great to be so busy” but my body is saying, “I’m knackered”. I have a tendency to listen to my head and not notice what my body is trying to say.

Two things that have helped me to listen to my body are Mindfulness and yoga. In Mindfulness meditation you learn the use of the body scan (our module on Mindfulness includes 3 guided meditations one of which is a breath-body meditation that includes a body scan); this involves bringing your awareness to each part of your body and just checking on how it is. Doing this on a regular basis helps you to begin to see connections (maybe noticing how tense your shoulders become after certain meetings, or after long car journeys), and helps you to begin to recognise early warning signs of stress. Yoga works in the same way; through regular stretching and movement you become more attuned to your body, learning to recognise when it is out of kilter.

Physical exercise is important
Finding time for everything that you want to do in life is difficult if not impossible – but don’t neglect exercise. Try to build it into your everyday routine: walking or cycling to work, taking the stairs, walking at lunchtime, taking the dog for a walk – and if you don’t have a dog taking yourself for a walk. Ring-fence time for more vigorous exercise. The gym isn’t for everyone so find something that suits you and put it in your diary. The problem with exercise is that the less you do the more difficult it becomes – but keep going it will get easier and more enjoyable.

When my fatigue is bad getting out of bed in the morning is often a challenge – I don’t have the same surge of energy that propels me into the day – the idea of exercise feels like too much of a hurdle; and it often is. When I am fatigued my energy becomes a very very precious commodity and not one to be squandered lightly. If I were to exercise the way I normally do I would not have the energy to do any work. But I also know that not doing anything lowers my resilience. The answer for me has been short walks, and on days where my work tasks are routine and don’t require too much energy, or at the weekend – a short bike ride.

When my fatigue has lifted I increase my exercise thinking of it as making a deposit in a savings account – building up resilience for when I am going to need it again.

Make changes now
And finally, make changes now. Having a chronic health condition gave me an imperative to change the way I was living. Increasing resilience and managing stress wasn’t a ‘nice thing to do when I have some time’ thing any longer – it was something that I had to take seriously. And for that I am grateful. I now work in a much more effective way, I find time to do the things I love outside of work, I have got back in touch with the things that are important to me, I have learnt to prioritise and, I think I am a much nicer person to be with. Without my health problems I would have still known the theory on mental resilience, but I am not entirely sure I would have put it into practice.